The church of the terminally bemused

On going down

2011-05-07T23:29:00.000+01:00

We should never be afraid to go down every now and again because the world is full of mountains and valleys and there is beauty in both.

If we don't now how it feels to be down we can never really appreciate being up and if we never fail we can never fully enjoy success.

Here at the CTB we want to celebrate every victory and every success but we want those victories to be real, we don't like being robbed of our success by manipulated results and low 'everyone wins' standards. Let's have a level playing field and fair competition so that we have to perform at our best rather than at the level of the lowest common denominator and our success has some meaning.

Down to earthedness

2011-04-23T01:05:00.000+01:00

Been hearing some strange things of late so now is a good time to make clear that this church doesn't believe that our destiny is controlled by aliens, superbeings or any other strange creature. We believe in proper things like the strength in a hug and the power of a smile. We believe that we all play a part in the lives of those we encounter and we can all decide whether we are going to be positive or negative. We also believe that if you can't say something constructive or nice then you should shut the f**k up

you don't get this just anywhere

2011-01-07T22:47:00.000Z

some belief systems tell us that you only live once (unless you're James Bond), others would have us believe that we will live again but on a different plane or in a different form.
Have you spotted the common problem? most of them require you to die first.

We don't really like that, life is good, life is fun etc sooooooo
here at the CTB we are offering a special, call in here and you can collect a new life when ever and as often as you like, it's yours for the taking, you don't need to sign anything and you don't have to give anything (donations are still welcome)

Why there is no preaching here

2010-08-26T23:49:00.001+01:00

So, if i tell you the truth (as I see it) you either accept it in which case you put up barriers against other 'truths' or you reject it in which case you put up barriers against my truth or even against me. The same goes for me telling you how to live your life. I can't win, I'm either driving you away or railroading you. Education does that, it tells you to subscribe to the popular truth and in doing so denies others.
Here, we all come to our own conclusions by questioning all we experience and respecting one another enough to give honest, factual answers.
Even by writing this and saying this is how we do it I am feeling the tug of paradox

Take your pick

2010-06-13T22:00:00.002+01:00

When you follow a religion you accept the rules of that religion and adhere to it's values and in return you get to enjoy the privileges of your chosen faith (such as extra days off, presents and banquets).
By embracing all religions the church of the terminally bemused is rather like a cross tariff phone retailer we can offer a selection of benefits in a purpose built package taking what suits you from across the board without tying you to any binding contracts.

One world

2010-06-06T22:24:00.003+01:00

How often do we hear the term 'one world' or 'the global village'. Many faiths, churches, religions, sects etc embrace this concept and many of them have very clever, noble reasons for doing so. It is, as has been said, all good.
Well, we are not going to be left out, we believe in the one world thingy and indeed our origins were trans-global. We like embracing things (mainly people but ideas too) and we have even come up with our very own rationale over an above having more friends.

In this world of ours there are many cultures, numerous sub-groups, lots of locally held beliefs and superstitions so it stands to reason that if we embrace them all we have far more chance of celebrating one that we really like. Whenever I feel lonely or down I only have to remember that, somewhere in my global village, it is snog a middle aged library worker day and that I have every right to share in the celebration.

that prayer thingy

2010-06-03T00:26:00.003+01:00

people are quite fond of prayer, they do it a lot and for all sorts of reasons and if they're not praying they're meditating or something.
As I may have mentioned before (but probably not because I'm just making this up) this church doesn't have a policy on prayer or meditation, this is mainly due to the fact that we don't understand much and we do rather like to go to the pub instead of making out heads hurt with too much thinking.
What we do understand is that prayer and meditation are a way of focusing thought, some people believe that these thoughts,words, positive vibes etc can be sent to a deity and I'm not arguing BUT even if you don't believe in deities focused thought is beneficial. If I say to you I'm sorry that you're having a bad time, I'm going to pray for you and you don't believe in 'prayer' you are still left knowing that I'm thinking about you or your issue and that is positive, a bit like a verbal hug.

I do talk bull don't I?

You may be surprised

2010-04-21T23:42:00.002+01:00

I have decided that I should try to set out a little of the churches history for future generations and to bore the pants of everyone. You may be surprised.

The church came into being in the summer of 1998 and was first based on ICQ where, although it originated in England, it was mainly embraced by antipodeans. Apart from the creator the first member was a lady by the name of Dawn in Australia (screen name Midnight) who sought the truth and was keen to know what she needed to do to be initiated (I clearly recall both my thoughts and the eventual reply). Other members came from New Zealand and Tasmania.
Eventually the church moved over to ICQ groups where there was an influx of American and European members and there was much discussion about the best approach to life and it's problems.
Due to serious issues (I ended up without a computer) the church sort of flagged until it migrated to it's present home here.
At present the church is having a quiet time but it's doors are open and all are welcome. There is no complex initiation and you can come and go as you please. Ask questions if you wish, there is always an answer and know that this church will not judge you (unless you enter a competition or post stuff on Helium etc)

There's something missing

2010-04-21T00:39:00.002+01:00

Actually there are lots of things missing, the main one being followers\members\enquirers but on this particular occasion I am referring to special days. Other churches have them whether they call them saint's days, feast days, holidays they have days where people do stuff or are excused from doing stuff or do stuff and then get excused for doing it.
We need this structure! Well no we don't need it, we just want it because we feel left out (hope no-one minds me saying 'we' I know I'm pretty much alone here but it makes me feel better).

Hence forth 24th April will be 'Laugh at a policeman day' because for years we have had to endure songs about, and animated models of, laughing policemen. Those who live in countries where the penalty for laughing at a policeman may laugh at English policemen by e-mail or may laugh at a picture of a policeman in private.
Please note, it is not necessary to do the laughing 'in the officers face' as it were and distance laughing is allowed.

lovefest

2010-04-13T22:43:00.003+01:00

I would like to share a couple of thoughts which came upon me separately today but which fit with a major tenet of this church.
Firstly, I was re-reading a poem which I wrote to read at the memorial service for my favourite uncle which let me to consider how often one hears the same thing at funerals 'if only I'd told him\her or 'if only I'd visited' We are very good at being too late and we are not terribly good at talking about feelings (ok, I'M NOT, well I am english after all, and male)
Secondly, a point made by 'anonymous' on my honest box on facebook. the word love has been corrupted so it no longer seems ok to love a friend, especially if it's two men because 'love' is too closely identified with romance\sex.

I have a bit of a love\hate relationship with honesty box but at the moment I like it and it can be a great tool for expressing feelings you're not entirely comfortable with expressing openly.
Another tool I like to use is www.loveaboutyou.com (another facebook orientated app) where you can say nice things about your facebook friends.
Basically, I aim to tell people that they are special now and again, be more up front with my appreciation and certainly not wait until someone is dead before i realise I quite like them. I would appreciate people taking the same tack with me :) PLEASE

power and glory

2010-04-02T01:03:00.003+01:00

just idly wondering (as you do at 1.00am) whether we should be conducting marriages here. Haven't really got a policy on any sort of partnerships yet but let it be known that the church of the terminally bemused will not dismiss any approaches out of hand.
Perhaps we could do short term\fixed term contracts or cyber only weddings. The world is our aphrodisiac shell dweller

a higher calling

2010-03-25T14:45:00.003Z

amongst us churches there has always been friction and at the end of the day it often boils down to what it's all about, why we're here, what's the point.
Some say we are here to suffer, others that we are here to have a good time, then there are some churches that feel we are only here to serve others or prove ourselves, that we are hopping on and off a wheel of life (gets a bit Disney about there).
Well I think I'm here to smile, that's my calling and, as I'm the only person in this church it is now official doctrine.
When I'm feeling good, I smile (that's easy)when I'm feeling crap, I smile (that's confusing) when I hurt others, yep (but not maliciously just in a pain lessening way) and when others hurt me, they get a smile (and that pisses them off).
I am not adverse to evangelizing either, I have a sign in the window of my vehicle telling\asking\advising people to smile because it's fun.

Yep, I like smiling, I like seeing smiles and I like the way people react when I smile. It is my calling and I feel high.

decline in religion and religious belief

2010-02-23T18:13:00.003Z

It does seem that as we move well into the 21st century religion is become less popular and we, along with many other faiths and belief systems are hard at work trying to solve the problem so that we can again enjoy crowded places of worship and the wealth that this will bring (not that any of us are into wealth of course).
I am proud to be able to share with you that this tiny, insignificant, non state funded church has found the solution.
VIRGINITY!!!!!
or....lack of it
Religions have always liked virgins whether it's to give to the gods, to the priests or to charity virgins are, or were, hard currency. But now, where can you find a virgin, yes, ok there are some but the other thing was that the holy virgins had to be drop dead gorgeous. No wonder they ran out!
So, we have no eligible virgins, that's a problem but we of the terminally bemused are not to be defeated. We are a church for deity\ideals sake, we are above the law, we make our own moral code, we define the world we plan to inhabit.

I hear-by make an official proclamation, a new tenet of this church.

Virginity is a state of mind.

If you become a member of this church you may now renew your virginity AND THAT IS OFFICIAL. You have but to believe.
Trust me, I am a high priest, I know about virgins. I'm on my tenth virginity and it still works.

Welcome!

2010-02-12T23:47:00.004Z

do come in and join in some mutual worship and feeling good.
here there is none of that crap about leaving your troubles on the doorstep or allowing some random deity to wave a magic wand.
If you bring troubles here they will be laid out, examined and dealt with the only deal is that you also bring your happiness because we have to have some balance.

If you have any questions about the church, it's members, the universe or life don't hesitate to ask :0)

Idle Idol

2009-07-15T12:20:00.003+01:00

most churches and religions have some sort of deity or principle which is the focus for their existence. This church has no principles so does that mean it will have to have a deity?
It was suggested that I could set myself up as some sort of idol and graciously accept worship from the multitude but
a. I'm to idle to be an idol
b. I am the multitude around here and self praise is no praise.

now don't get me wrong, I'm not adverse to being worshipped and idolised it's just that it doesn't seem fair.

I have decided that the church will have a principle and that principle will be that we are all worthy of praise. With that in mind I will aim to idolise all the members of the church but only if they do me too.

come one come all

2008-09-17T12:18:00.002+01:00

personally, I am never first at anything but I will give most stuff a try.

it is a tenet of the church that one should face each challenge, attempt every leap and essay every adventure.

At least then you can have a good laugh over a pint about how stupid you lookd as you realised you had packed your parachute wrong or realised you couldn't swim faster than tht shark.

supporting sloth

2008-08-20T22:44:00.002+01:00

you can't help but notice that people a re getting lazier and that it seems the lazier we get the more medicine steps in to keep us ticking over.
A couple of generations back people worked hard and died younger.

Just think, if we worked as hard as our grandparents and had today's medical support what sort of ages would we be attaining.

So, the church advocates getting off your lazy ass and doing something.
Ditch a couple of power hungry labour saving devices and work up a sweat

Today I learned about polyamory

2008-08-05T23:09:00.002+01:00

in an article about an open marriage. The interviewee said that they weren't swingers who exchange partners for purely sexual reasons but that she was in fact polyamorous meaning that she had two partners because she truly loved them both.
Here at the church we do not have an opinion on polyamory but we due encourage all members to be polyannerous in that we aim for sickeningly happy, positive,optomistic attitudes to a wide range of situations.

saving the planet

2008-06-11T12:06:00.002+01:00

when the world was created there was balance, the circle of life was, indeed, a circle and all was in balance.
Food chains really worked then, plants were eaten by small creatures who were eaten by big creatures who, in turn were eaten by the biggest beasts who then left bodily wastes (and ultimately their ancient corpses) to nourish the plants and trees. In that time the bear did indeed sh*t in the forest.
Now the chain is broken, mankind has destroyed vast swathes of woodland, poisoned rivers and wiped out links in the chain. Te circle of life has lost it's shape and the future is also pretty pear shaped.

Here at the church of the terminally bemused we have hit on a positive contribution which can be made by every one of us, it is local, needs no skill and has no cost. Our solution crosses the boundaries of nationality, religion, age, gender etc

we ask all of you to find your nearest plant, forest, greenplace and void your bowels in it's vicinity forthwith.

What we must all do

2008-02-23T00:11:00.002Z

As we drift\march\meander\rush through life we need to see the frogs around us and try to take time to snog the odd frog. This doesn't necessarily mean literally (although i personally know amphibians who wouldn't protest over much.

In the fairy tales the snogged frog becomes a prince and I'm convinced that by snogging the frogs we meet we will find a little bit of princedom in them and a heck of a lot of richness in ourselves

read this if you don't think you are one of the 'beautiful people'

2008-02-12T00:55:00.000Z

you understand. As you go through life you see people who haven't quite made it and you know how it feels.
Now is the time to pull it together, together the also rans can make a difference and on a level playing field each persons gifts and treasures will shine more clearly........

Read this if you are one of the 'beautiful people'

2008-02-12T00:52:00.000Z

you have been blessed with beauty, wit, intelligence etc and that must feel good so now it's payback time.
Look around you, see the people who aren't in your league, think about how you can share your gifts........

we must help those less fortunate

2008-02-10T01:37:00.000Z

Today sees the launch of our new campaign to offer support to a very marginalized group.

I am talking, of course, about Amorous amphibians and in particular frogs and toads.

The campaign will be called SNOGAFROG

Watch this space, more later

A communal meal

2008-01-23T22:55:00.000Z

in an attempt to draw members of the church together it has been decided to hold a communal meal.
Please bring something along to share but I better like it!

My Christmas thought

2007-12-24T03:02:00.000Z

As I was sitting with my daughters this morning chilling and chatting about Christmas presents I suddenly felt a great sadness.
Suddenly I was embarrassed by my wealth, shamed that I was considering what useless stuff I wanted while all over the world people don't have the strength to say what they need never mind entertain their frivolous desires.
I have responsibilities because I have children so I can't sell all i own but I can stop my own indulgence and I can by my word and deed help my children to do the same.

Being simple

2007-08-30T00:15:00.000+01:00

I am a very simple toad, I get confused easily and then my head hurts.
Consequently I prefer it if church visitors keep things very simple. I can follow a simple plot but please don't throw in any subtlety or sub-plots because you will lose me.

Peace

2007-08-24T21:27:00.000+01:00

whether we want a little bit of peace for ourselves or peace throughout the world it needn't be complicated. We can only ever state out own needs and carve out our own safe space where aggression and hate will not be tolerated. When enough of us do that there will be nowhere left for hate.

Is there a purpose to life

2007-08-16T23:33:00.000+01:00

heck, there's more than one.

I change mine more often than my underwear (so that's twice a year)

So why are we here?

2007-08-12T23:35:00.000+01:00

the simple answer is that we are here because we aren't there. We may never be there and we may strive all life long to get there but surely there is a point when we need to realise that we are here and that our here is someone's there so we should stop trying to get there and enjoy being here on behalf of those who will never get here and hate being there.

other faiths\beliefs

2007-08-11T00:09:00.000+01:00

we do not want to replace or marginalise any other belief system but rather work along side and enhance our members life experience.

Is their an after-life?

2007-08-07T23:39:00.000+01:00

why on earth do people complicate things, what we need to know is , is their a life and if there is where is it and how much does it cost. We might be tempted to consider renting rather than buying and it is always good to try before you buy.

There can't be an after-life unless there is a 'before' so lets just get on with it and stop trying to work out something that we aren't meant to understand. If thinking about this issue upsets or worries you then you're not drinking enough.

the time has come to address some important philosophical questions

2007-08-07T23:38:00.000+01:00

so I better think of some.

it makes me weep

2007-08-06T22:24:00.000+01:00

not once but twice today I saw fairly young women with babies going about their business and to all appearances being good mothers and in both cases, trailing along behind there was a sour faced, aggressive, bad mouthed partner. I just want to say to these women 'you can do better and you and your child deserve better'

Let it be known, the church will not tolerate abusive people and as a community we will support each other in getting the best we can out of life.

Sermon ends lol

I noticed

2007-08-05T23:55:00.000+01:00

I know I'm a bit slow but I've just noticed that a number of previous church members were there seeking love, relationships etc etc.

That's ok, if people meet in the church and click then that makes me happy

I sincerely hope that prople can find a little of what they want here and If I can help in any way I will.

what is this about

2007-08-04T23:58:00.000+01:00

some days i want the church and it's issues to be very serious, other days it's all about having a giggle.

Does it really matter, there is room here for everything, life is serious and then funny, happy and sad; the church should be all that.

don't be shy

2007-08-04T01:18:00.000+01:00

Feel free to post your thoughts or to worship quietly at the altar of acknowledged ignorance. Alternatively, do what you like, we are a very open minded church!

help us out here

2007-08-03T01:17:00.000+01:00

take some time to give the church your vote of confidence, if it wins the prize will be donated to cancer research

do it now!

http://bloginterviewer.com/religion/the-church-of-the-terminally-bemused-tim-toadee-marshall

A wise man once said to me

2007-08-02T23:42:00.000+01:00

wisdom carries so much responsibility, it's good to be play the fool now and again and it's far more fun

an except from the early days of the church

2007-07-31T00:52:00.000+01:00

An early pondering.....

As you go about your daily life in pursuit of happiness, money, companionship or just survival consider the challenges that face you, appreciate the intricate layering of cause and effect, the infinite possibilities that will spring from your every action or inaction. as your head begins to heat up start to repeat the following manta quietly to yourself (best done on public transport) 'sod it, I'm of to the pub, sod it I'm of to the pub' etc
NB feel free to insert your own explicates and venue according to local custom and practice just try to preserve the essential message there-in

brought forth a query........

Took your advice and chanted the mantra whilst on the bus.....Yep! I missed my stop! I also had a bit of difficulty because I only drink water. What is the meaning of this experience grand master? Is it because I would have been run over if I had gotten off the bus at my stop? or is it the fact that I got stuck in the lotus position and couldn't get up quick enough to pull the bell? this mystery is tormenting me to the point that I am sitting here at 4.24am pondering it all? Plese advise me for I am lost.
Dawn

leading to further exploration of the issue.......

Dawn, my child, your question, like you, is shrouded in mysteries. Examine your heart (you may need a skilled surgeon to help) and your answer will come unto you. Ask yourself, did I really miss my stop, did my stop miss me, is it still missing me and should I go back and give it a hug. Perhaps your tangled limbs were a message that you should explore more, perhaps they were telling you to sit sensibly on public transport. I know not the truth and, though I love my children,my ignorance doesn't bother me at all (that is soooo liberating). Please modify your personal mantra until it feels comfortable e.g. sod it I'm of to the tap.

which drove away the questioner........

Again I took your advice; I went unto the main street from whence I missed my stop. I Gleefully, and with a full heart hugged the bus stop...Then i was arrested for pole dancing mid town. But I gave it my best shot! I also modified the mantra to "Sod it I'm off to the tap" and was arrested for beligerance to a very large police man, who hard of hearing thought I'd told him to "Sod Off, you're full of crap!" SO again Grand Master I ask that you enlighten me as to why you're laughing so much at my misfortune? Or is that question just too deep for me to understand the answer? It wouldn't surprise me y'know. The reason I am shrouded in mystery is because I was a leper in a previous life, and I failed my driving test because I left my foot on the clutch...Literally! Since that happened, i've worn my shroud so that I wouldn't be recognised, and thrown into a wind tunnell only to come out the other end as a pizza! Well Grand Master, I honour you and leave you in peace, and please don't use the pun that as I leve you in peace, you leave me in pieces. Thank you for your ears, I lost mine many years ago.

why do people never stay? *sob*

do what you do

2007-07-31T00:18:00.000+01:00

if we stay focused on what we need to do we will find happiness or at least mislay our frowns

Joining

2007-07-27T23:25:00.000+01:00

the church isn't hierarchical and doesn't have a focus for worship, it is more of a fellowship where we can come together and be puzzled.

To join the community you only have to ask!

Why we do not encourage meditation

2007-07-24T01:55:00.000+01:00

a. you could do yourself an injury getting into those positions.

b. around here the moment you go into a higher state, someone goes in your wallet.

Have you ever

2007-07-20T22:56:00.000+01:00

have you ever envied a child their simple happiness, have you ever been touched by a child's trust?

Here we believe that simple is good. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could trust people, if what people said was what they meant.

All those who enter here are encouraged to offer honesty and trust to those they meet, it might even be infectious.

I am often guilty of over thinking, intellectualizing and analysing and yet when I just accept things at face value I'm happier.

History

2007-07-19T00:07:00.000+01:00

Did you know that the church is 6 years old.

It originally had a coordinator for the southern hemisphere and 66% of it's members were from this hemisphere.

At it's height the church had 20 members (oh how I dream of those heady days)

meeting places

2007-07-18T00:34:00.000+01:00

as a church community we can happily meet anywhere and appreciate the good that we find.

not crowded here!

2007-07-17T01:37:00.000+01:00

I wonder if this building is to big?

more about this church

2007-07-16T00:18:00.000+01:00

here we do not judge because we never know enough to do so with certainty.
We do not rush because journeys are educational.
We do not condemn any way of life but are free to choose our own.

An offer

2007-07-14T00:39:00.000+01:00

We of the church set great store by simple things (I am the original simple thing) such as smiles and hugs, they are easy to use and don't require any training or expensive correspondence courses.
As an introductory offer all visitors are invited to hug or be hugged, it's free!!!! and there is no obligation (no salesmen will call).

blessings

2007-07-12T23:48:00.000+01:00

when your cup runneth over it might be because you left the tap running

Bollards

2007-07-11T23:55:00.000+01:00

think about bollards for a moment. Solid, useful, immovable, dull.

How many people are like that (apart from standing in roads) , they serve a function day in, day out and we never notice them unless we run headlong into them.
OK, eventually the elements will wear a bollard away but more often someone drives a great big truck into it and it becomes instant hardcore (don't get me wrong, I respect bollards and I respect hardcore)

My council has started using a new bollard, it's bright, it's plastic and it's spring loaded. it isn't solid and it isn't dull but drive a truck at it and you may as well plait fog.

So remember: Give a little and you'll last a lot longer.

On public transport

2007-07-11T00:42:00.000+01:00

Be on your guard against bus drivers and ticket collectors they will try to ensnare you in philosophical debate by asking you questions such as where are you going?

Smile

2007-07-09T23:01:00.000+01:00

have you ever heard someone say 'smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking'?

Often it's the smile that gives the spark for happy thoughts not just for you but for those around you. yes, people may wonder what you are thinking but that's secondary, it's enough to see smiling faces, to believe that people are happy and to rejoice in that.

Smile at everyone you make eye contact with today and if you feel up to it, try this little amusement that I use to amuse myself whilst out driving. Wave at people as if you know them, see how many people wave back. They either think they should know you or they appreciate a friendly gesture. The thing is nearly everyone appreciates some light positive attention so you are doing your bit to make the world a smilier place.

where I'm coming from

2007-07-09T01:39:00.000+01:00

I founded the church of the terminally bemused a while ago and it has appeared on various places around the internet. Whilst it has the title of 'church' it is not really a place of worship, more a meeting of like minds where we can be puzzled and bemused together. When seekers come the community are all equally able to offer friendship and support, we can try for advice but that pre-suposes that we know what we are talking about.

Welcome one and all

2007-07-09T01:07:00.000+01:00

What sets us apart is our firm belief in mystery and our determination not to get drawn into pointless debate about things that no-one really knows about.

Where most faiths seek truth, enlightenment and a way we are quite happy to smile slightly and say 'buggered if I know' when asked about the meaning of life or the purpose of our existence.